I wish I went to bed kicking and screaming each night like my toddler. Okay not literally kicking and screaming, but I wish I clung to each day with the same voracity. Instead I find myself sinking into bed with an udder exhaustion from the day's work. Sadly when a day is over I feel relieved instead of grateful, and more often than not I find myself stuck in between time and never in the moment.
Sometimes I get stuck in the past. I remember the contentment I felt as a child in the home that my parents created. I wish that I could go back for just a moment to curl up into my dad's lap for a story or enjoy a fierce chess competition. I miss the way my mom hugged me when I was sad and her calming reassurance that everything would be okay. I want to relive the moment I fell in love with all its excitement and for just a moment hold my newborn baby one more time. I sit and remember these times with a sense of longing, but forget the sweetness that this current moment offers. I forget about the great appreciation and admiration I feel for my mom and dad that I only discovered after I had a child of my own. I forget the peaceful, calm, immovable feeling of actually being in love that my husband and I built with memories, sweet reassuring kisses, words of kindness, and the birth of a child. I forget the joy I feel when Aspen utters "Mama"
Sometimes I get stuck on tomorrow and I can't wait. I can't wait for Aspen to grow a little older. I can't wait until my husband finally finishes school. I can't wait to get back to work. When I long for the future I forget to be grateful for right now and all my blessings: my wonderful family, a cozy home, food on the table, and the world's most adorable baby. So maybe tonight as I crawl into bed, I will just be thankful for today.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
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